वसुधा

मैं पृथ्वी हूँ
मैं ही आकाश
मैं ही धरती हूँ
आग लगा कर
जल से बुझाने वाली
मैं ही हूँ
मनुष्यों के नए नए
अविष्कारों से परेशान
अपने मतलब के लिए
इस्तेमाल करने वालों से
मैं दुखी यहां रो रही हूँ
ये मेरे ही आँसू
बाड़ का रूप ले रहे हैं
इन्हें ज़िन्दगी देने वाली
और लेने वाली भी मैं
पर फिर भी इनकी नज़रों में
बुरी हूँ मैं
है एक शर्त इस बार मेरी
गर ये लौटा दे मुझे मेरी पहचान
तो इनकी धड़कने बक्श दूँ मैं...
~Auldrin

HibernationLetters 30

Dated-28/01/2018

For past couple of weeks every Sunday morning I have been going for walks on the empty streets of the Kolkata station. Perfect winter mornings with a cool breeze apt enough just to make your nose tip cold. There is a place where one can stand and see a long road, wide open, nothing filling that void. You stand there and just breathe. Breathe till every single cell in your brain wakes up to think. Then think about life and how amazing it is to be alive. To live another day inhaling the fresh air. You realise there is a destination. It might be a peregrination but in the end you will be relaxed.
Good morning fellas!

Till here all this was almost half a year ago...
Now
Today...

When I found this piece again I was overwhelmed by the thoughts of what I'd planned then and how much things have changed since then.
I am a little scared to tread forward but excited as well for the new journey of my life. Though everything is still uncertain yet I'm hopeful to find what I've always been searching for.
We all dream till life takes its turns but I would say nomatter how our lives turn out to be, we should never stop dreaming high.

Dreams make us an optimist!
They fill us with such positive energy that we are always ready to fight.
Like I am here fighting for myself and I know soon I will win for sure!

P.S. Always remember, time and patience does wonders!
Smiling beautifully
Auldrin

HibernationLetters 29

In the past couple of days, I'd say “Life” happened to me!

Yes true.

A lot of things have changed. Some plans have changed. I on the other hand am the same, I guess so.

I've met so many different people telling me variety of stories or their experiences or how one fine day they realised to do what they are doing right now.

I met with my high-school biology teacher, who happens to be one of my favourite people.

For a while I thought meeting her would be a different feeling but I was wrong, we both started again from exactly where we left off 7 years ago. Ofcourse we came across our own ups and downs but we still share the same level of insanity.

I met someone ‘new’ too. Just for a couple of days only. Actually old only but I'm stating as 'new’ because now I really got to know the person, years ago we wouldn't have crossed each other's paths as we had completely separate worlds. We still do maybe that's why the meeting was for hardly any days.

My parents and I, nowadays have stepped into another level of discussion. Talking our hearts out, our perspectives, my future and what we really want to do.

I have been so busy, like literally busy with my own self, thinking about everything that happened to me just in a matter of two weeks, I'm awestruck!

I have taken upon new challenges which are scaring me a little but deep inside I am feeling nothing.

There's a void! No person, no thought, nothing is filling it up. It's just emptiness.

I'm eagerly awaiting for something which I have no clue about. It's confusing as well as strange, for I forgot I had a blog, another place to write some verses, I simply forgot I have quite a few readers waiting desperately to read what I surprise them with.

Honestly, is it normal?

Being so preoccupied that one forgets a totally different world that exists somewhere in between the crumpled pages of an old journal.

I am soon going to change the pattern of these hibernation letters because I am no more under hibernation.

My name means Earth but it's time to see the world outside this soil and come out as a tiny twig of any plant.

I'm just afraid not to be crushed by any random footsteps while I embark on this new journey.

P.S. I promise that I'll still be here, always & forever!

The rains are here as a blessing

so I am out of this hibernation

emerging out of the damp soil

in the form of a green incarnation…

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 27

12 months ago on this date I decided to stay back in the city.

For you.

For me.

For the love.

More than 18 months ago you had set your WA status as “257 days to go”.

Signifying the number of days left for my departure. Clearly I didn't leave on the set date.

You've been so preoccupied with your ownself that even now your status remains the same.

Unchanged maybe because you didn't miss me anymore or you simply forgot just like the rest of our story.

But today my status says “you left”, finally!

No no, I didn't change anything. It's a courtesy by the app developers on their own. If any user isn't using the account for consecutive 90 days, they simply treat them as 'deceased or absconded’ and automatically shut the profile down.

Yet I'm in a dilemma, with my feet being in two separate boats. Of which one is carrying our memories and another my griefs.

I'm afraid to put both of them into one, as they are equally devastating.

So I have decided to stay afloat in the ocean of my tears, till I'm cold and lifeless.

Back into the nutshell…

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 26

The mirror spoke to me today,

about last night.

About you, about us.

The kohl in my eyes was smudged in the morning, I realised we were up till late having one of those long lost conversations that never end.

But you fell asleep in the middle.

And I curled on the floor for sometime. Clouds were ruling the midnight sky and the moon stayed hidden somewhere amongst them. The street lamps had the power to choose the colours they wanted to be surrounded with.

Getting lost in the storm of thoughts with eventually my eyelids shutting on their own, I slept.

You used to be the mirror of my nights now it's just dark and gloomy.

I opened my eyes when the sun rays seeping in through the curtains flashed on my face.

I lay there staring at the verandah through the window. Rains welcoming me to a beautiful new day. The dampness of the Earth filled my nose with a nice scent. Slowly my eyes closing again, snuggling under the covers, the once spread limbs were now taking the fetus position and there I was in my dream palace in your arms.

You used to be the mirror of my mornings now it's just bright because of the sunlight.

It takes only a few minutes for me to write you a letter but I'm more concerned about its aftermath that will prevail, of our memories.

A wanderer in search of her reflection…

Auldrin

2 minutes recipe for a happy life!

*Get up from your desk/bed and move towards the window/balcony...10 seconds!

*Put your hands on the waist, take a deep breath and look around your city/locality/nature, appreciate the beauty within, compliment yourself, turn your neck right and left while noticing all these...40 seconds!

*Close your eyes, recall the happy moments, the events you felt proud at, the day when you fell in love for the first time, that time when your achievements were surrounded by roaring cheers and allow those curves to form on your cheeks...40 seconds!

*Open the eyes, put on your biggest smile and feel upbeat, healthy, fortunate for the presence of good people (friends & family) in your life. Also your foes who give you confidence for fighting harder...20 seconds!

*Remember health is wealth & resume your task...10 seconds!

Repeat these 2 minutes-SOS☺
Auldrin

कुछ बातें

यहां बादल गरज रहे हैं
तुम्हारे आने का पैगाम सुनकर
इस गर्मी में न पिघल जाओ
मैंने बरसात को बुलाया है।
कहने को अभी काफी कुछ है
बोहोत सी बातें तुमसे बोलनी हैं
इस पहली बारिश में हमें साथ
कईं बूंदे महसूस करनी है।
कुछ पल साथ बिताने के लिए
ये दिल न जाने कबसे बेबस है
यूँही आवाज़ कितनी सुनू अब तोह
उन आँखों मे खुद की जगह बनानी है।

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 25

Last night going through my journals I found the one gifted by you.

A diary made with handmade paper in which I loved to scribble with ink pens, some painting colours and it would absorb everything. Leaving no mark on the next page.

Sometimes I feel I'm like that handmade paper only, absorbing everything within and not staining the surroundings.

Yesterday I wrote all the pending poetries in it which needed to be added to my journals.

Tears mixed along the ink didn't bother me.

I just needed to finish it and set it aside.

I left a note in it for whoever finds it in the future when I'm no more.

But I don't want to see it again.

Too many heartbreaking memories.

Too many sacrifices, compromises.

I had warned you many times to not take me for granted, to not take my love for granted and also don't take the time for granted.

You didn't listen.

You didn't realise.

Now, time has taken its toll on everything.

I packed the lamp you gave wishing me a life full of light.

It has lost its shine. The glitters have faded. I tried replacing the bulb but the brightness has decreased on its own.

Maybe the lamp misses you too and it worked only till there was love. Your love.

Your ego rules you so I've lost every hope.

You will blame me, curse me or even be furious but never will you realise the wrong that you did.

While I waited for you with the food readily served on the table you never came back on time.

The day I was tired after work, hungry and decided to eat you came and doubted my integrity.

I changed myself from head to toe as per you liked, didn't I deserve atleast some part of it in return?

If you as a man can fight for your self respect then where was I wrong to fight for mine?

Maybe now you feel the same agony that I've been living with for a long time.

I believe after sometime you will forget me as well just like the rest of our memories.

Never did I ever ask for any gold

just sometime of yours

to be spent together,

you took the love for granted

but forgot what I'd said

just love will never be enough

for a relationship to be mended.

P.S. You pushed it too far this time!

Done and dusted

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 24

Then

“Me - For how long are we going to stand here? It's 3am.

You - Just a little longer till the Sunrise after that our shift starts anyway and you'll be by my side all day long.

Me - Am I not with you since the past 24 hours already? Moreover I am tired and need to lie down for the remaining 2 hours atleast.

You (coming closer) - Lean on me. You’ll feel relaxed. I will bring your favourite masala tea and toast in a while and make you fit and ready as usual.

Me - Ahaan, what about you?

You - I get relieved from all the stress when next to you.”

There was a time when we had such conversations even after double Ad days (48 hours shift). Just looking for excuses to stay together. There was no difference between day or night. Only the stars told us when it was the peak at night.

Our body was adjusted so much to stress that standing near the hostel gate for the whole night wasn't tiring at all. Like they say- No pain, no gain!

Maybe that's why our relationship flourished during those days.

Now

Nothing.

A heavy burdened heart with no words.

You have priorities in which I am not in the top order. Maybe in the middle order though, yeah maybe!

Now

My concerns smother you. You compare us to the other couples wherein the wife has given full freedom to her husband and how I trouble you now & then with questions like- Where are you? What are you doing? Have you eaten? When will you see me? etc.

Now

You ask me to understand your situation. You ask me for space to breath and rest as you get tired after work. But when you have nothing to do you get anxious that I no longer care to ask about how you're doing!

You worry that I am falling for someone else but you never realise that maybe it's somewhere your fault too.

Now

The only form of conversation left between us are telephonic. The only form of meeting left between us is over a video call. Yet somehow there is no time to spare from your busy schedule.

Neither I asked you for any gold then nor can I ask you for your time now.

Slowly I'm fading away into the dusky night and by the following morning dissolving into the mist.

Pumping my heart with the song “Jiyein Kyun” on loop, for now as long as I can feel this pain I feel alive!

Done and dusted

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 23

Last night I saw a football game for the first time in my life. France vs Croatia. I watched the complete game including the final ceremonies. I felt so dumbstruck and totally amazed by the hotness that was there on the TV screen. Living in a city where football is every guy’s passion, I kept wondering why didn't I ever see this before? Such tall, handsome athletes running for nearly 100 km within 90 minutes of a game was surely a treat to my eyes. Cricket is only enthralling till T20 matches! The fifty overs or test series now seem outdated.

I learned some of the game terminologies but I need to watch more of it to understand better.

While we were watching, my memories went into flashbacks and reminded me of that one day from school times when due to some unavoidable circumstances I was a part of this game.

You see, this is about 8th standard, our class teacher was on leave and for a month all her lecture periods were converted to games by the class monitor, i.e. Me.

And because of this reason, from 8th to 12th standard my classmates would request the teachers to give that power to me only. I took care of everything! Even their mischievous deeds.

It was raining on that day and the only game that could be played during the rains was football so we landed in the field dividing all the girls & boys into two mixed teams.

I was given the position of a 'goalkeeper’ considering my huge figure and inability to run, I guess. I stumbled a lot. So I didn't mind staying at one end of the field if it was saving me from getting myself embarrassed.

I was specifically asked to just stop the ball in anyway possible and prevent a goal from happening.

Phew! I thought that'd be easy.

The game started. Everything under control. I watched everyone play being completely elated with my position.

But

Suddenly I saw a player running, very fast into my direction, bringing the ball towards our end of the goal post and then finally kicked it hard.

And I simply ducked!

Well it was a basic inner instinct for self defense but sadly I couldn't explain that to my friends.

After that I was always a part of the games just not within the field but outside, under the shade of trees counting the scores for both sides.

I find my happiness in the smallest available way so eventually contended with that role as well for I could stay clean and dirt free.

You can laugh now, I know you're dying to do so!

Yours only

Happy and sane!

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 22

This year's monsoon will be our first one apart. The custom would be the same as a good leafy tea and a corn cob only at different places. Conversations will also be the same, miles away just over the phone.

The heavy rains have settled, only drizzling left. Finally took your advice and went out today but again landed up in a public library. Maybe I am a perfectly blended iron for such magnetic libraries. I need to go out more often to collect stories for you, that's your only therapy.

Though my mind is flooded just like the streets here but still these rains don't settle the thoughts within.

I missed you today.

With every raindrop on my kitchen window I remembered those pieces of your favourite ‘Alu Posto’ that I used to cook especially for you.

You would eat all of it, yes till the end licking the posto masala and then blush- Bah, bhalo hoyechilo!

I missed the city today.

Don't know how to react when the people around me praise Delhi because my heart doesn't beat here not just yet. When I join the hands there are some spaces left in between, this never happened when you held them. It's the same with this city. I am living here breathing its air but still some of the terminal alveoli inside my lungs remain empty.

I missed maa as well today.

On meeting someone new just like her. She touched my cheek with such warmth and wet eyes that it reminded me of the night when I met maa for the first time.

Ohh the mangoes she had brought along from your own gardens back home and the delicious mango shakes we had in the following week.

I still make the shakes but the mangoes are ripened by someone else's love whom I do not know.

The rain has stopped but the street is still wet just like you, me and our memories.

Yours

‘Alurdin’

Auldrin©

HibernationLetters (RM)

Dear RM,

This one's for you!

Going back to that one afternoon during the humid Summers when I reached your place all drenched with sweat, is what I do often while remembering you.

The glass of drink you made me complimented the weather. My throat was so dry that I gulped it all in one go only to realise later that we didn't clink our glasses to “Cheers” and also that my head had started swinging.

Oh, I miss those days now especially in this heat. I miss when we went to the club and just lay there reading some hilarious pieces out of “Mother pious lady” and soaking ourselves under the Sun, getting naturally tanned. And how can I forget when MnM & I returned exhausted from work and you took us for a Thai spa!

That was one heck of an adventure, now you must be recalling it I know! Hahaha.

Those summers were beautiful when spent in your company.

I've come to the mountains where the winter prevails for a long time so I'm missing out on some warmth. But there's no looking back for now as I decided on this journey on my own to see how high I can climb, till which peak of it I reach. And when I achieve the goal I'll put a flag there in the name of our friendship and I promise not to forget ‘raising a toast’ this time.

That afternoon was the first time you allowed me to your bedroom where you don't invite anyone easily (also because I already had mine separate at your place).

We played every season from the Coke Studio playlist and sang along with it. Roaring our voices, imagining ourselves on a hypothetical stage and being under God's grace all that time for the neighbours didn't call the cops, filing a complaint for noise pollution.

Now when I remember that day, believe me we had a narrow escape!

Or else

We might have ended up in jail and that would have been another exhilarating story to tell!

We should think about more such new ventures before my hair turn grey as I am collecting all these stories for the next generation. Why should they have all the fun? Huh!

P.S. The alternative to this letter in my mind was plucking every petal from a Rose and counting- You miss me! You miss me not! Jeez...that seemed so outdated 😏

You already know that I love you, right?

Whimsically sane in this insane world

Auldrin

My Clove Man (TheTelegraphicTales)

I could have written this ages ago but probably I was waiting for my fate to take a turn and it obviously didn't that's why I am here sharing my grievances.

It all started years ago when I realised the names of every grain, cereals, spices and any food item that I was eating. I was in a phase of relishing every taste. As long as it was edible I could eat anything.

But soon came that black day when a devil entered my life and ruined it all for me, “the clove man”.

You see ‘Cloves’ provide one of the most powerful flavors of all the world’s spices. These are rich, brown, dried, unopened flower buds of Syzygium aromaticum, an evergreen tree in the myrtle family.

This was Google bhaisahab, for what I know since they didn't bloom themselves they want that revenge from me though we aren't even related.

Yeah yeah, I know your brain must me scanning for its health benefits making you wonder why am I ranting about it. The main problem is with its taste which is pungent, strong with a bitter & astringent flavor as well. It also has a distinct and undeniable warmth which on consumption leaves a sensation in the mouth similar to that of a nutmeg.

You still don't get my point, do you?

Well imagine this, you are eating the best Samosa or your favourite Rajma-Chawal or that finger licking Tandoori chicken or remember when you had that delicious Shahi Paneer which was so soft & juicy and BAMN!!

There is a 'clove’ in your mouth!

How do you feel now?

Unhappy? Nasty? Angry?

Exactly! Now you finally get my point, right!

For a normal person like you this must be a rare occasion but for me it happens on regular basis in every meal no matter how much my lady tries to check my food plate before it's served to me. Somehow the devil manages to be chewed between my teeth.
Adding to the horror, whenever we went over for gatherings I literally asked the host to allow me to talk to the chef and make the person recall on how many pieces of cloves have been added to the respective meals.
I was heartbroken when this started happening at restaurants too.

Yesterday I was with my grandparents having tasty chat-papdi, raj-kachori etc which we bought from the famous Haldirams. They keep every single item in different packets and you are supposed to do the dressing at home accordingly. I did everything on my own and please believe me I have no clue how that half piece of a clove came out of the potato which was in my plate only.

It made me furiously red!

I screamed why me, why?

To my utter surprise, my grandmother solved the mystery in just one line- “Arey, it means you are going to be married to a tall, dark, handsome man and when it happens this will stop. It's just a sign.”

They say don't let small problems become big ones but after hearing her I guess it's going to become a much bigger problem.

Don't you dare laugh, I am still appalled by her reply.

Huh..why do my relatives feel if I'm not married soon I would die alone?

Oh c'mon, stop making fun already!

P.S. Just before leaving the house, I asked my grandmother will that tall dark man have four heads too? She just laughed.
Yet I am wondering where my clove man is. I hope to find him with just one head & that will be a bliss.

Scratching my own head till his arrival…

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 20

I discovered a park today. Hardly hundred metres away from my flat. It's been almost a decade since we shifted here but after a few horrific events in the locality I never stepped a foot out alone. Yes right, not even to this nearby park. Until today I didn't even know it exists and I wasn't interested in knowing as well. Now it was important, to go out and breathe some fresh air. To exhale my worries and get into the arms of mother nature for some tranquilness. To hear the birds chirp and the animals, trying to decipher their stories. To inhale the smell of the damp soil, to walk barefoot on the green grass. To see the serenity surrounding me.

I saw some kids rushing towards one end of the park and decided to join the horde. They all were so carefree, the only fight in their lives being the one for the swing. Who will be up next for a chance?

They had no sorrows of the past and no worries of the future. They just lived in the present, every moment.

I chose to stay there for a while, keenly waiting for my chance of getting on the swing too.

When finally I sat on it, the swing roared upwards with a heavy heart and came back down with tears leaving from the corner of my eyes. That to and fro movement was a perfect blend of my present situation. Mixed with thoughts of the past to the concerns about the future. Ultimately sitting there I conquered those preoccupying thoughts. As if I no longer carried that extra baggage on my shoulders. I found the lost child in me, living the moment carefree.

I returned to home with a fresh smile as I'd brought the child along within me.

P.S. After months, I finally decided to think about myself and not you, until just now!

Breaking free through the eggshell…

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 19

Yesterday scrolling through the Facebook & Instagram posts, I noticed how much people like to share the stories and pictures of their date nights. And here I sat missing those days when we used to have our breakfasts together. Early morning strolls ending on reaching our favourite tea stalls or dhabas or some tiny food joint calling itself a restaurant since there was a roof on top.  The post night on-call or the pre morning round times being the best. It's difficult to find a person who can patiently listen to all my blabbering chats. You just played that role so efficiently that falling for you became a facile step. I wonder was it your curiosity or my storytelling charm or a mix of both that led to one thing after another.

I loved visiting all those food corners in that 5-mile radius of our workplace. Sipping the hot beverage, exchanging stories, fighting for you not focussing on my face, blushing when you totally did and waiting to have that last sip of the beverage in your cup that you would leave as usual.

Staying away from you and meeting new people here has taken its toll on me. The dreams are still the same but the hero is not you.

Such beautiful visuals in which the hero came from across the country just to hold my hand caressing with his fingers telling me how much he has always loved me, how he came back for me once, to express how much he has craved to be next to me, how much he still wishes to continue doing so yet somehow he can't. And damn, I woke up from the sleep coming back to the reality of the empty bed beside me and no one else in the house.

It's been so long since you left then why does dreaming about someone else feel like cheating on you?

Clearly, I'm still in a dilemma about moving on or living in the clouds of such false hopes and expectations.

Waiting for a rescuer before I drown in my own thoughts inside my head…

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 18

The initial memories I have of the city are all credited to its heat. My first response to the hot, humid spells of the climate was an impulsive haircut. Those long strands once reaching my waist no longer belonged there. It was the language barrier which caused me so much loss, since I didn't clearly understand the length that the beautician informed me about and I gave a thumbs up. My new hairdo, just barely touching the base of my neck made me feel hideous. Luckily you never had to see that phase because the sad part of the story was the heat which still continued to kill me even after this sacrifice.

Believe me for most of the girls/women these timely haircuts are a huge sacrifice.

I'd always enjoyed the rains. Being under a near constant cover of clouds eventually made me fall in love with the city too.

Now the extremes of weather back home doesn't suit me. The summers being too hot & dry and the winters easily freezing outside.

After your arrival the winters would be the best. Sitting close to you, surrounded by your arms, the warmth was cosily perfect. I'd never feel that much of cold in your presence like you were a different species of a man in a machine constantly controlling his body temperature and radiating some heat as well.

Now it's cold all over again. Even in the summers and especially during the nights.

You are so far away yet the beauty of this love is the moonlight that we share every night.

Wandering around in search of the stars…

Auldrin