Don't judge me!

HibernationLetters 27

12 months ago on this date I decided to stay back in the city.

For you.

For me.

For the love.

More than 18 months ago you had set your WA status as “257 days to go”.

Signifying the number of days left for my departure. Clearly I didn't leave on the set date.

You've been so preoccupied with your ownself that even now your status remains the same.

Unchanged maybe because you didn't miss me anymore or you simply forgot just like the rest of our story.

But today my status says “you left”, finally!

No no, I didn't change anything. It's a courtesy by the app developers on their own. If any user isn't using the account for consecutive 90 days, they simply treat them as 'deceased or absconded’ and automatically shut the profile down.

Yet I'm in a dilemma, with my feet being in two separate boats. Of which one is carrying our memories and another my griefs.

I'm afraid to put both of them into one, as they are equally devastating.

So I have decided to stay afloat in the ocean of my tears, till I'm cold and lifeless.

Back into the nutshell…

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 26

The mirror spoke to me today,

about last night.

About you, about us.

The kohl in my eyes was smudged in the morning, I realised we were up till late having one of those long lost conversations that never end.

But you fell asleep in the middle.

And I curled on the floor for sometime. Clouds were ruling the midnight sky and the moon stayed hidden somewhere amongst them. The street lamps had the power to choose the colours they wanted to be surrounded with.

Getting lost in the storm of thoughts with eventually my eyelids shutting on their own, I slept.

You used to be the mirror of my nights now it's just dark and gloomy.

I opened my eyes when the sun rays seeping in through the curtains flashed on my face.

I lay there staring at the verandah through the window. Rains welcoming me to a beautiful new day. The dampness of the Earth filled my nose with a nice scent. Slowly my eyes closing again, snuggling under the covers, the once spread limbs were now taking the fetus position and there I was in my dream palace in your arms.

You used to be the mirror of my mornings now it's just bright because of the sunlight.

It takes only a few minutes for me to write you a letter but I'm more concerned about its aftermath that will prevail, of our memories.

A wanderer in search of her reflection…

Auldrin

2 minutes recipe for a happy life!

*Get up from your desk/bed and move towards the window/balcony...10 seconds!

*Put your hands on the waist, take a deep breath and look around your city/locality/nature, appreciate the beauty within, compliment yourself, turn your neck right and left while noticing all these...40 seconds!

*Close your eyes, recall the happy moments, the events you felt proud at, the day when you fell in love for the first time, that time when your achievements were surrounded by roaring cheers and allow those curves to form on your cheeks...40 seconds!

*Open the eyes, put on your biggest smile and feel upbeat, healthy, fortunate for the presence of good people (friends & family) in your life. Also your foes who give you confidence for fighting harder...20 seconds!

*Remember health is wealth & resume your task...10 seconds!

Repeat these 2 minutes-SOS☺
Auldrin

कुछ बातें

यहां बादल गरज रहे हैं
तुम्हारे आने का पैगाम सुनकर
इस गर्मी में न पिघल जाओ
मैंने बरसात को बुलाया है।
कहने को अभी काफी कुछ है
बोहोत सी बातें तुमसे बोलनी हैं
इस पहली बारिश में हमें साथ
कईं बूंदे महसूस करनी है।
कुछ पल साथ बिताने के लिए
ये दिल न जाने कबसे बेबस है
यूँही आवाज़ कितनी सुनू अब तोह
उन आँखों मे खुद की जगह बनानी है।

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 25

Last night going through my journals I found the one gifted by you.

A diary made with handmade paper in which I loved to scribble with ink pens, some painting colours and it would absorb everything. Leaving no mark on the next page.

Sometimes I feel I'm like that handmade paper only, absorbing everything within and not staining the surroundings.

Yesterday I wrote all the pending poetries in it which needed to be added to my journals.

Tears mixed along the ink didn't bother me.

I just needed to finish it and set it aside.

I left a note in it for whoever finds it in the future when I'm no more.

But I don't want to see it again.

Too many heartbreaking memories.

Too many sacrifices, compromises.

I had warned you many times to not take me for granted, to not take my love for granted and also don't take the time for granted.

You didn't listen.

You didn't realise.

Now, time has taken its toll on everything.

I packed the lamp you gave wishing me a life full of light.

It has lost its shine. The glitters have faded. I tried replacing the bulb but the brightness has decreased on its own.

Maybe the lamp misses you too and it worked only till there was love. Your love.

Your ego rules you so I've lost every hope.

You will blame me, curse me or even be furious but never will you realise the wrong that you did.

While I waited for you with the food readily served on the table you never came back on time.

The day I was tired after work, hungry and decided to eat you came and doubted my integrity.

I changed myself from head to toe as per you liked, didn't I deserve atleast some part of it in return?

If you as a man can fight for your self respect then where was I wrong to fight for mine?

Maybe now you feel the same agony that I've been living with for a long time.

I believe after sometime you will forget me as well just like the rest of our memories.

Never did I ever ask for any gold

just sometime of yours

to be spent together,

you took the love for granted

but forgot what I'd said

just love will never be enough

for a relationship to be mended.

P.S. You pushed it too far this time!

Done and dusted

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 24

Then

“Me - For how long are we going to stand here? It's 3am.

You - Just a little longer till the Sunrise after that our shift starts anyway and you'll be by my side all day long.

Me - Am I not with you since the past 24 hours already? Moreover I am tired and need to lie down for the remaining 2 hours atleast.

You (coming closer) - Lean on me. You’ll feel relaxed. I will bring your favourite masala tea and toast in a while and make you fit and ready as usual.

Me - Ahaan, what about you?

You - I get relieved from all the stress when next to you.”

There was a time when we had such conversations even after double Ad days (48 hours shift). Just looking for excuses to stay together. There was no difference between day or night. Only the stars told us when it was the peak at night.

Our body was adjusted so much to stress that standing near the hostel gate for the whole night wasn't tiring at all. Like they say- No pain, no gain!

Maybe that's why our relationship flourished during those days.

Now

Nothing.

A heavy burdened heart with no words.

You have priorities in which I am not in the top order. Maybe in the middle order though, yeah maybe!

Now

My concerns smother you. You compare us to the other couples wherein the wife has given full freedom to her husband and how I trouble you now & then with questions like- Where are you? What are you doing? Have you eaten? When will you see me? etc.

Now

You ask me to understand your situation. You ask me for space to breath and rest as you get tired after work. But when you have nothing to do you get anxious that I no longer care to ask about how you're doing!

You worry that I am falling for someone else but you never realise that maybe it's somewhere your fault too.

Now

The only form of conversation left between us are telephonic. The only form of meeting left between us is over a video call. Yet somehow there is no time to spare from your busy schedule.

Neither I asked you for any gold then nor can I ask you for your time now.

Slowly I'm fading away into the dusky night and by the following morning dissolving into the mist.

Pumping my heart with the song “Jiyein Kyun” on loop, for now as long as I can feel this pain I feel alive!

Done and dusted

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 23

Last night I saw a football game for the first time in my life. France vs Croatia. I watched the complete game including the final ceremonies. I felt so dumbstruck and totally amazed by the hotness that was there on the TV screen. Living in a city where football is every guy’s passion, I kept wondering why didn't I ever see this before? Such tall, handsome athletes running for nearly 100 km within 90 minutes of a game was surely a treat to my eyes. Cricket is only enthralling till T20 matches! The fifty overs or test series now seem outdated.

I learned some of the game terminologies but I need to watch more of it to understand better.

While we were watching, my memories went into flashbacks and reminded me of that one day from school times when due to some unavoidable circumstances I was a part of this game.

You see, this is about 8th standard, our class teacher was on leave and for a month all her lecture periods were converted to games by the class monitor, i.e. Me.

And because of this reason, from 8th to 12th standard my classmates would request the teachers to give that power to me only. I took care of everything! Even their mischievous deeds.

It was raining on that day and the only game that could be played during the rains was football so we landed in the field dividing all the girls & boys into two mixed teams.

I was given the position of a 'goalkeeper’ considering my huge figure and inability to run, I guess. I stumbled a lot. So I didn't mind staying at one end of the field if it was saving me from getting myself embarrassed.

I was specifically asked to just stop the ball in anyway possible and prevent a goal from happening.

Phew! I thought that'd be easy.

The game started. Everything under control. I watched everyone play being completely elated with my position.

But

Suddenly I saw a player running, very fast into my direction, bringing the ball towards our end of the goal post and then finally kicked it hard.

And I simply ducked!

Well it was a basic inner instinct for self defense but sadly I couldn't explain that to my friends.

After that I was always a part of the games just not within the field but outside, under the shade of trees counting the scores for both sides.

I find my happiness in the smallest available way so eventually contended with that role as well for I could stay clean and dirt free.

You can laugh now, I know you're dying to do so!

Yours only

Happy and sane!

Auldrin

A letter to my dear Society!

A letter to my dear society!

I am just another heavy hearted doctor from your locality or your own family.

I see how you praise me and then ignore my advice once I'm gone (considering me as young or less experienced?).

But I also see how you search for the best physician (which is decided by the number of extra capital letters spaced out by dots after the name or whatsoever) around you or even travel inter-cities for them but avoid to listen to their advice as well.

I feel dejected when my colleagues ardently assure and then reassure you regarding any illness that you still prefer in believing the neighborhood priest more.

You never lift that butt of yours and visit the government set ups where there are free provisions available for various treatments because you don't have the patience to stand in a line and wait for your turn.

But I see how you complain after paying the medicine bills or costly treatments and cursing the government too.

I hope that you're wise enough to understand there is another group of people (the administration) that is always there between us.

I see how quickly you take out the phone, open Google and search for the medicines just as soon as you leave my clinic because that's how my knowledge is ultimately judged.

I see how easily you get aggressive and beat my colleagues to death when you lose someone but it's okay while you decided to 'wait’ until the time is right or there's an emergency to visit any doctor/hospital.

All this made me doubt my own community- what is it that we are doing wrong, where are we lacking the trust and what more should we do? What is the point of spending sleepless nights working and learning everyday for the rest of our lives?

I recently got all the answers to these questions.

Not everyone is like you and there still exist a small population that asks for our help, trusts us and follows them.

We all see this and stay silent.

Since you people think of me/my colleagues as selfish no matter what, so we have decided to stop wasting our efforts in giving explanations to the millions like you and focus a little more on the hundreds in need.(The word is focus here- because somehow we are also bound to an oath to serve every last one of you).

For the rest of your satisfaction there are enough 'B.A.B.A.s’ in this country!

We are not the leading actors (Gods) in the movie of your life. We are simply here to play the supporting role.

P.S. Again to my dear society & juniors craving to enter this profession, this is not a de-motivational letter but yes-

“May the Gods be with you during the odds”.

Auldrin...from the mountains😏

(Just another doctor still alive after your unsuccessful attempt at killing my faith in humanity)

HibernationLetters 22

This year's monsoon will be our first one apart. The custom would be the same as a good leafy tea and a corn cob only at different places. Conversations will also be the same, miles away just over the phone.

The heavy rains have settled, only drizzling left. Finally took your advice and went out today but again landed up in a public library. Maybe I am a perfectly blended iron for such magnetic libraries. I need to go out more often to collect stories for you, that's your only therapy.

Though my mind is flooded just like the streets here but still these rains don't settle the thoughts within.

I missed you today.

With every raindrop on my kitchen window I remembered those pieces of your favourite ‘Alu Posto’ that I used to cook especially for you.

You would eat all of it, yes till the end licking the posto masala and then blush- Bah, bhalo hoyechilo!

I missed the city today.

Don't know how to react when the people around me praise Delhi because my heart doesn't beat here not just yet. When I join the hands there are some spaces left in between, this never happened when you held them. It's the same with this city. I am living here breathing its air but still some of the terminal alveoli inside my lungs remain empty.

I missed maa as well today.

On meeting someone new just like her. She touched my cheek with such warmth and wet eyes that it reminded me of the night when I met maa for the first time.

Ohh the mangoes she had brought along from your own gardens back home and the delicious mango shakes we had in the following week.

I still make the shakes but the mangoes are ripened by someone else's love whom I do not know.

The rain has stopped but the street is still wet just like you, me and our memories.

Yours

‘Alurdin’

Auldrin©

HibernationLetters (RM)

Dear RM,

This one's for you!

Going back to that one afternoon during the humid Summers when I reached your place all drenched with sweat, is what I do often while remembering you.

The glass of drink you made me complimented the weather. My throat was so dry that I gulped it all in one go only to realise later that we didn't clink our glasses to “Cheers” and also that my head had started swinging.

Oh, I miss those days now especially in this heat. I miss when we went to the club and just lay there reading some hilarious pieces out of “Mother pious lady” and soaking ourselves under the Sun, getting naturally tanned. And how can I forget when MnM & I returned exhausted from work and you took us for a Thai spa!

That was one heck of an adventure, now you must be recalling it I know! Hahaha.

Those summers were beautiful when spent in your company.

I've come to the mountains where the winter prevails for a long time so I'm missing out on some warmth. But there's no looking back for now as I decided on this journey on my own to see how high I can climb, till which peak of it I reach. And when I achieve the goal I'll put a flag there in the name of our friendship and I promise not to forget ‘raising a toast’ this time.

That afternoon was the first time you allowed me to your bedroom where you don't invite anyone easily (also because I already had mine separate at your place).

We played every season from the Coke Studio playlist and sang along with it. Roaring our voices, imagining ourselves on a hypothetical stage and being under God's grace all that time for the neighbours didn't call the cops, filing a complaint for noise pollution.

Now when I remember that day, believe me we had a narrow escape!

Or else

We might have ended up in jail and that would have been another exhilarating story to tell!

We should think about more such new ventures before my hair turn grey as I am collecting all these stories for the next generation. Why should they have all the fun? Huh!

P.S. The alternative to this letter in my mind was plucking every petal from a Rose and counting- You miss me! You miss me not! Jeez...that seemed so outdated 😏

You already know that I love you, right?

Whimsically sane in this insane world

Auldrin

HibernationLetters 21

The refrigerator felt as empty as me yesterday and begged me to go for some grocery shopping. Inside Spencer's, in the confectionery section, there on the shelves lay our memories arranged systematically in the same way how I would do it and you'd say I have OCD.

I found those Karachi bakery cookies which we once received from a guest from Hyderabad. We went searching for it everywhere in the market as well as online when the box was empty.

When we finally bought it, those were such love filled 14 days of togetherness. Just one cookie shared during each morning and evening beverage.

Do you remember the day you left early in the morning for work and I'd brought along half a cookie and a cup of your favourite expresso when I came?

So childish of me but you too simply ate it without even considering my gesture!

No romance during work but I loved it when you teased me like this, treating me equal even for a cookie!

Somehow you never pampered me, no showering with surprise gifts, no jaw-dropping dates yet I was so happy in your company.

These flashes appear just like the sudden rains of our city and then evaporate as soon as the temperature rises beyond the unbearable level.

In the morning, I made your favourite masala tea and had a cookie along with it.

This time going for one whole of it.

But after eating half from a piece the other half sort of choked in my throat with flashes of those moments when you first professed your love for me.

Do you remember the day you came to me all drenched in the rain and confessed you wanted to be with me no matter what, rest we'd figure out later?

What happened to the latter part?

Even now those words feel so true and strong that everyday I forgive your mistakes one by one, just not the last one.

I have given the other half to the birds chirping on the verandah and that's what I am going to do from now on, feed them the other half.

I'll keep your love alive, at least this much I can do for the bond we shared.

Auldrin

Long drive pe chal (Part two)

Long drive pe chal...
(Part two)

10:00am
The officer told us a historical fact that the Lankan king Ravana’s in laws home was in Meerut. We instantly opened Google maps and searched for the location and drove towards it.

1:00pm
The Baleshwar temple of Lord Shiva was the place where Mandodari (Ravana's wife) used to visit and pray ardently to Lord Shiva. After being impressed by her devotion the Lord gave an appearance once and granted her a wish. She wished to be married to the most powerful and one of the best scholars on Earth, hence her matrimony with Ravana took place. It is said that she always tried to bring the best out of him but one day the devil took over and so we all know the rest story of the famous mythology-Ramayana.

5:00pm
Striking our mind next, we ended up at the Officer's Bua Ji’s place. She has always welcomed us with open arms anytime and our surprise visits give her immense joy. They have a big joint family. We all just gathered in the living room, all the elders & children together and we talked endlessly. Mostly comprising of gossips regarding the other family members not present at the scene.
Yes! You are thinking right, this is what we Indian families normally do and such accounts create memories.
Our impromptu trip was finally blessed by these moments of togetherness with our loved ones.

7:00pm
In our personal busy day to day lives it's really difficult to give time to the family. Moreover I've realised now that making plans usually don't work in our favour because planning gives rise to expectations. So happiness does lie in spontaneity, we just need the right company along to be able to join in with equal driving force and excitement for the same.
We are back on the same expressway that we crossed in the morning and it's more beautiful at present.
For a person like me who gets happiness out of little things in life this is a scenic view.
The sun is setting slowly, the street lights have been switched on, there are so many cars around and I am secretly hoping that some of them must have visited their friends and family as well.

10:00pm
Lying on my comfortable bed recalling today's events I am finally feeling at peace.
Trying to hustle during my journey wasn't the right way.
Locking all the activities inside wasn't helping me focus either but letting myself free did.
Though tired after a hectic day yet my body feels relaxed.
The storm within me is slowly settling, it still needs more time & patience but today was one little step on the ladder of optimism.

All of you away from home, go on an amazing venture with your close friends & the ones somewhere near, go and spend some quality time with your family.
Believe me you will write back to me tomorrow feeling afresh.

Yours insanely sane
Auldrin

Long drive pe chal (Part one)

4:30am
We were just having a cup of tea and watching the news.
It's been almost a week and still there's the same old news of 11 family members in a mass suicide.

5:00am
The officer (excitedly) Let's get ready and go someplace!
My lady (appalled) What? Now? Where?
You see when you are a family of three at a certain time you get the power to decide what's going to happen next and I just love the spontaneity in such situations.

6:00am
I have already started writing.
Ae jaate hue lamhe (movie Border) is playing on the radio in a loop with a huge collection from the 80s-90s. There's a special nostalgic feeling about early morning drives combined with the music of that era.

Dil hai chhota sa chhoti si asha in the loop.
Until a decade ago these outings would be more frequent but today it seems like ages ago. Everything has been so freaking planned that we just missed out on this fun, just the three of us anytime anywhere.
So we decided to set aside all the hectic work, phone calls and most importantly nagging people!
Remember the song Mujhe raat din from Sangharsh, aaah it's a pleasant feeling listening to the old melodies and this man is made for any genre roles- Akshay Kumar!

6:20am
For an apolitical person like me who has just taken interest in it since past 3-4years, travelling via the Delhi-Meerut expressway I'd like to give an applause to the NaMo sarkaar, so convenient so clean so well designed.
On the radio, Lucky Ali's O sanam teri yaadon ki kasam, reminds me of all the cities I've lived in. I missed Calcutta.

But now with Amitabh Bachchan’s Jooma chumma de de in the loop and the officer singing along with my lady makes me want to be nowhere else.

Be it any city in any country the three of us will have our share of happiness no matter what.

6:45am

Belonging to a family of people with melodious voices and ardent music followers I am not even in their radar but in case we all go for the Indian idol auditions, Anu Malik would be like Aag Laga denge ye log Aag Laga denge. Hahaha.

Being entertained by Kitaaben bohot si padhi hongi tumne from Baazigar!

Oops, I shifted to my notepad. Apparently I reached the character limit in YQ.

Dil kehta hai chal unse mil (Akele hum akele tum) is making me yawn now seems like the caffeine hasn't hit yet. I need a strong coffee right now!

I love my incredible India especially its music industry which has kept a population of billions alive. In medicine we just play the supporting role!

Stay tuned with me, the journey is long with unlimited songs and old memories.

7:00am

Signing off with my all time favourite movie songs, from Saajan-Tumse milne ki tamanna hai pyaar ka irada hai aur ek wada hai..jaanam...

Yours insanely musical

Auldrin

My Clove Man (TheTelegraphicTales)

I could have written this ages ago but probably I was waiting for my fate to take a turn and it obviously didn't that's why I am here sharing my grievances.

It all started years ago when I realised the names of every grain, cereals, spices and any food item that I was eating. I was in a phase of relishing every taste. As long as it was edible I could eat anything.

But soon came that black day when a devil entered my life and ruined it all for me, “the clove man”.

You see ‘Cloves’ provide one of the most powerful flavors of all the world’s spices. These are rich, brown, dried, unopened flower buds of Syzygium aromaticum, an evergreen tree in the myrtle family.

This was Google bhaisahab, for what I know since they didn't bloom themselves they want that revenge from me though we aren't even related.

Yeah yeah, I know your brain must me scanning for its health benefits making you wonder why am I ranting about it. The main problem is with its taste which is pungent, strong with a bitter & astringent flavor as well. It also has a distinct and undeniable warmth which on consumption leaves a sensation in the mouth similar to that of a nutmeg.

You still don't get my point, do you?

Well imagine this, you are eating the best Samosa or your favourite Rajma-Chawal or that finger licking Tandoori chicken or remember when you had that delicious Shahi Paneer which was so soft & juicy and BAMN!!

There is a 'clove’ in your mouth!

How do you feel now?

Unhappy? Nasty? Angry?

Exactly! Now you finally get my point, right!

For a normal person like you this must be a rare occasion but for me it happens on regular basis in every meal no matter how much my lady tries to check my food plate before it's served to me. Somehow the devil manages to be chewed between my teeth.
Adding to the horror, whenever we went over for gatherings I literally asked the host to allow me to talk to the chef and make the person recall on how many pieces of cloves have been added to the respective meals.
I was heartbroken when this started happening at restaurants too.

Yesterday I was with my grandparents having tasty chat-papdi, raj-kachori etc which we bought from the famous Haldirams. They keep every single item in different packets and you are supposed to do the dressing at home accordingly. I did everything on my own and please believe me I have no clue how that half piece of a clove came out of the potato which was in my plate only.

It made me furiously red!

I screamed why me, why?

To my utter surprise, my grandmother solved the mystery in just one line- “Arey, it means you are going to be married to a tall, dark, handsome man and when it happens this will stop. It's just a sign.”

They say don't let small problems become big ones but after hearing her I guess it's going to become a much bigger problem.

Don't you dare laugh, I am still appalled by her reply.

Huh..why do my relatives feel if I'm not married soon I would die alone?

Oh c'mon, stop making fun already!

P.S. Just before leaving the house, I asked my grandmother will that tall dark man have four heads too? She just laughed.
Yet I am wondering where my clove man is. I hope to find him with just one head & that will be a bliss.

Scratching my own head till his arrival…

Auldrin